Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Peace Found In a Storm

When we are struggling we fool ourselves often times into believing that we are less than others who say things like, "just get over it" "look at the positive" "be grateful for what you have" "every cloud has a silver lining" Yes, this is all true, every word of it, and the feelings of loss, discontent, fear, anxiety, paranoia are all true as well. The truest Grace is when in the midst of the storm, the pain, the paranoia, you are still able to see the aforementioned. When you can end your day, and define the dark, by the contrast of the light, then you are mastering your self-awareness, and you will survive until such time that you thrive, but, with the light comes the dark and the dark the light, for without each other, you would be unaware of both. The great meditation guru's still hear the world moving around them, but, they have mastered a rapid return to peace. Yesterday was a horrible day and a miraculously wonderful day. When I am feeling the pain, I am not as keenly aware of all the miracles of yesterday, but, as the pain dissipates, the clarity comes back to me. As I struggle daily through this horrible nightmare that I have been enduring since November 8th, I am keenly aware of what it is to be disabled. To have to rely upon those around you to tend to you in order that your health and well-being is restored. When I realize that my rights as an individual are being denied, and I have to overcome threats of abandonment, loss of income, loss of the ability to walk freely again, to advance in my career, to hold my grandchildren, it is enough to make me crumble into a ball and just say, take it all away. Asking the Lord to take it all away is not a bad thing, until you realize this simple fact; To take it all away removes my ability to grow beyond this, and seek a Higher ground. It denies me the contrast of light and dark. Yesterday is a day I want to forget, and remember. Yesterday, I held my grand babies. I fed them soup in a bread bowl. I saw my babies enjoy a cookie and a brownie that MeMe brought them. I held my baby girl and looked to her for medical advice and support. I sat and had a meal with my firstborn and dreamed, dreams and held onto her as she reassured me that everything would be alright. I stood my ground only to realize that there are horrible, uncaring people in the world, but, it made the sweetness of the beautiful people more clear. I looked into the eyes of others who are ravaged by emotional pain and I prayed for them as I realized I have no control. My baby Nolan while looking at my pictures in my phone, identified a portrait I painted correctly and without reservation, clearly identifying me as a capable artist. Admitting that you cannot do all things, be all things is not admitting failure or defeat, it is being human. Holding on to the hand of the One who created me and trusting that all will be right, is a very hard thing to do, but, when you are so damaged that you cannot even get down on your knees and pray, it merely means that you must hold long and hard on to the hand placed at before you, squeeze, and hold on tight! Peace will return.

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