December 13...See the power in the manger...

Passionate Sunset, that is the name of the my most recent watercolor. You see it has been a long held desire to capture the colors or the sky, the sea, the world around me. It is a labor of love if nothing else. This is based on a photo that was taken two summers ago. Sunsets are timeless, the sun will rise, and it will set. The power found in Lake Michigan is unmatched with the power of the sunset. The color, the radiance. The human eye can see the color, hear the roar of the waves, feel the power of the wind upon the face. If I were a blind woman, I would not see the sunset, yet, I would know that it exist, you see it would exist if I trust the seer next to me who described it to me. They would tell of the color, the power, the vibrancy, they would share with me, that the warmth I felt on my face was from the warmth of the sun. The glow that was reflected off of my face could be witnessed from on lookers, even if I was unable to see it, those gazing upon me, could see what I was unable to see. If I was deaf, I would not hear the roar of the waves, yet, I could sense the vibration. Others would explain that the sound was almost deafening, yet, it would not mean anything to me, as my existence is that of deafened sound. Sound would be a non-reality. So it is with faith.

You see, just as a blind man, cannot disprove or prove that which is seen by other, so it is that non-believers cannot disprove, nor can they prove the existence of God. Science cannot prove, or disprove. God defies logic, therefore, science cannot relate. For over 2,000 years man has bot been able to disprove Jesus Christ. Faith has grown. In over 4, 000 years man has been unable to disprove Abraham and Moses. Attempts fail over and over again. You see there is power in the manger.

December 12th...Santa lives in Kankakee!

It is true, I have come to this conclusion after 49 years of witnessing Christmas, and pondering the true existence of the fat man in the jolly red suit! Santa lives in Kankakee Illinois, United States of America. Now, I am sure beyond belief that many of you will heartedly disagree. But, rest assured, not only do I know what I am talking about, I have 49 years worth of evidence.

This very day as I was putting together a new recording of Christmas songs, and a reading or two, it hit me. Suddenly stories that I had read in the past to my children, students, and to myself were falling flat. "where in the world is my Christmas spirit that stories that use to fill my eyes with tears were now so trite, so flat, so unemotive?" It was then that it dawned on me. They were in fact far too cliche. It was then that I recalled the last time I had a true Santa moment. Evidence that Santa lives in Kankakee? The last Santa moment was in Kankakee.

I came to realize when I was a little girl that Santa did not exist, well, that is what my girlfriend's mother would try to make me believe. IT is sad, for as you stop believing, it does stop existing. We can make things disappear you know simply, by no longer believing in them. This is science ya' know.

I was so sad that year, what would I do, how could I go forth into another Christmas without the Santa spirit. It was upon discussing this problem with my Mom that she told me "as long as you believe, Santa will come." She was wise, and so it goes, that I have held that belief.

I moved away from Kankakee in the summer of 05' after living there for almost 45 years. I was born and raised there, raised my children there. I was for financial, post-marital, and professional reasons forced out of my home.

I swear since I have moved away from Kankakee, I have no longer had my yearly encounters with the jolly old elf. Seriously, every Christmas by the 23rd of December, I would have an encounter, that would convince me that he indeed still exist. Well, it is now the 12th of December 2009 and I have not really had that special kind of encounter. It does not exist anywhere else in the world, so therefore, Santa must in fact reside in Kankakee Illinois.

I remember all too well, the year there was no Santa..., I could simply say, "well ME, it is time for you to grow up and walk away from childhood fantasies" or, I could simply say, "ME, it is time for you to believe again."

December 11th...short and sweet...

Yep, that is what tonight's post is, short and sweet. Considering that I do not know if anyone is really reading this, I can kind of trust that it is like my daily diary. I promised myself that I would write everyday until the 25th of December. I am not sure how well I will be able to do this as I am going to be moving about the countryside, and I am not certain if I will have internet access. Either way, it is my mission to just that, get back into writing for the pleasure of writing.
Today was relatively uneventful, well, that is unless you take into consideration the multitudes of things that I did, and successfully accomplished.
The highlight of today? My fortune found tucked away in a cookie obtained at my new favorite restaurant in the Michigan City area. The Pearl, a quaint little chinese establishment. Oh, the quote, " you will be showered with good luck before your next birthday. Hmmmm, yep, short and sweet...

Peace

December 10, 2009...She would have been 80 today!

My birth mom, Mary Caroline Link, it is hard to imagine her 80. I wish so much that I wasn't wondering, but holding her hand. My momma's hands. What would they feel like wrapped in mine? I would be able to be a much better daughter to her now that I am facing the age that she was when she left us. Only 51! Damn it! That is way too young, way too young. Her beauty left us way too soon! I didn't hold her hand enough, I didn't think I would ever not have it to hold on to. I learned way too young that life is not fair.
Her curly strawberry blond hair, her green eyes, her strong, but lovely features. I still hear her voice singing through mine now and then. Not too often, but when I do, I just want to hold it put it on pause, and listen for a while longer. It passes so quickly, and I wonder if I will get to hear it again.
I am not only remembering her soft hands, her grace, but the love of those that she loved, and loved her in return. In particular my Uncle Chuck. She was the love of his life. A bachelor, he never really ventured too far from her, from us. A free spirit, he roamed, but guaranteed on the 10th of December he called his Mary. After she passed away, he would call on one of his nieces or nephews, anything to be close to her. To hear some semblance of her spirit. He is gone now too. He departed from us this past spring. It was hard to see him suffer, to go. We made sure he had soft hands to hold.
Well, Uncle Chuck, you don't need to call us tonight, you are with her. Hold her hand, and if there is anyway that you can, let me know how soft it is. Tell her I sang you to sleep with Dougie, and let me hear the two of celebrate her being 80 today!
I will love you forever, and ever, and ever!

Little Lizzy

December 9...the circle of life

The text message said, "I am sitting in the Doctor's office waiting." I, of course, did not expect a text at 11a.m. this morning from my daughter Elyssa. I typically do not look at my cell at that time of the morning, but today I did. Doctor? Why is she at the Doctor, is Bella sick? Bella is my one year old granddaughter. I text back to discover, that no, no one is ill. It was already time for another ob/gyn visit. You see, I am going to be a grandmother again. Bella is going to have a little brother or sister in June. I received another text this afternoon letting me know that the baby's due date is June 29th. Somehow I knew that that would be the special date. The 29th's have a huge significance in my life. The 29th of June? Well, aside from just having a gut feeling about that date, it is also the date that my beautiful mother passed away. She will have been gone 29 years ago on that day.
Elyssa assured me that this baby would not be born on that day, as more than likely they will induce, and quite possibly, this baby would be born on the 18th or so, and could be born c-section. Regardless, my first response was, "well you will have to name her Caroline after her grandmother." It just came out. It was the first reference to this baby's gender. I am still not completely convinced that Elyssa will give birth to a girl, but somehow a June baby being a boy does not seem right. Silly, I know. Then I thought, oh, Carrie for short, and middle name Ann, Caroline Ann, Carrie Ann. What a wonderful gift to have one of the next generation named after my birth-mom. Just when I was feeling so sad, that my memories of my mom seemed like they were fading. Only last night I was feeling that, then the text today. Then as I was driving down Center Street on my way home today it hit me. Tomorrow is my mother's birthday.

December 8, Not too much to say

Like the title states, not too much to say, but considering that I have made a commitment to blog every night until the 25th, I must. So many thing happen in a day. Seriously, my day begins at 5:30 in the morning and goes until, well, it is now 10:46p.m. I am exhausted, seriously tired. What am I waiting for, why am I not in bed? Well, I am not in bed, because I am not done with all that I set out to do today.
Some of the day's achievements are simply this. I had successes. Successes with my kids at school, seriously, I believe I had almost 100% engagement of all of my kids all day! I heard only one student using profanity in the hall. (one kid too many) I recorded a video along with my co-teacher in the hopes of getting kids on board with the importance of "follow through" and following the 12 step design process. I made dinner, special no bake cookies, rerecorded a Christmas song for my school. Enrolled in another Master's program, practiced singing with Steve, and well, everything that came along. Oh, did I go to the bathroom at all?
Seriously, I am tired. So with that said, I am off to bed.
In truth, I have a lot to say, I just did, but the lesson learned today is this: never underestimate your power and ability. Never assume anything, and give the greatest gift that you can at Christmas, believe, then claim it, and proclaim it.

December 7, show me that I can, and I will...

Today was one of those days. It was a Monday. A Monday, sadly, it was not a Monday that was unique to itself. It dawned on me today that I do not like Monday, because for me it is like starting all over again at something that you didn't really like in the first place. It is like coming home from a long vacation, but your home is not really a good, happy, safe, amazingly wonderful place. For me starting back on a Monday is a reminder that I am not really teaching the subject that I have a passion for, nor that way that I believe it should be taught. It is a reminder that I do not like getting up before the sun rises. It is actually not that I do not like it, it is that seriously, it is like an allergy or something. Like the person who is allergic to chocolate, it will surely break them out with zits, so they don't eat it. But, imagine if they were told that they had to.
I mentioned a similar analogie to my students once and a smart young man said, "then why are you a teacher?" Well, he was right on point. The problem is, I never thought about the time I would have to wake up in the morning when I was setting out to make a difference in young people's lives.
Now that I am solidly into this career, (well I am this year) then I have to make the best of it. Making the best of it is close to impossible on a monday morning. Especially when you look out the window and see that it has snowed and your car is covered with the lovely white stuff. You are not sure how bad the roads are, you know you are running short on time as it is, all because you have to make biscuits and gravy for a group of people all against your wishes. Who ever heard of having a food fest when you have to work with kids all day? Seriously, I can barely cop a squat and go peepers, let alone mix and mingle! So, I am facing an entire day of being off kilter. I made it into work with barely a minute to spare. Roads were bad and unfortunately people in this town panic at the slightest snow fall! I was greeted with nonsense, absolute nonsense at every turn. I sank deep into "why in the world am I here" distress.
Well, I made it through my day. Believe me, I could go on and on about the lamentations of ME. Now as I sit on my sofa, Christmas trees lit, supper served, Steve happy and content, (he just made me happy too, as he cleaned up supper ; {} ) and me typing away. It was just a little bit ago as I was putting together my team's quarterly newsletter, just why I am a teacher.
I actually should apologize for being such a scrooge today. I was totally over the edge with intolerance. Now, do not get me wrong, a few of the students that I had to reprimand had it coming. Seriously, they did! But, in hind sight, I want to be like one of my bosses, except for positive emotions, you are not aware that he has any. Only once did I see him really mad. Oh, he makes kids tow the line, but he does with without an emotional change.
I came across this poem, I wrote it about me. It speaks for itself. This poem is the reason I am a teacher. It is why I tried to be a good mom. It is why I struggle so much to just survive at times. It is why at the age of 49, I still do not know what I want to be, really, when I grow up. I guess it is a sign that like my 14 year old students, I am just trying to get by. Like them, I resent being pulled away from my comfortable home, and bed too soon in the morning. It is why sometimes I just need someone to teach me, show me, help me...

Teach me how to say “I Can”
I never really learned that phrase
It is something practiced everyday
For most…
Teach me how to reach to stars
I never really stretched that far
It is something reached for
Far away…
Teach me how to sail the seas
I never really set my sails
It is something only sailors dream
Isn’t it…
Teach me how you live each day
I never really took that breath
That fills and expands
A life…
Teach me how to be myself
I was never really introduced
Robbed at birth and forced to be
Someone else not me…
Teach me how to love
I only know how to say
Three words,
I practice everyday…
Show me that I can, I am
Me…